Beneath the Water

I'm trying to be patient with myself.

It's not easy.

I came back to spend time with my kids and let them know that I am here for them.

I'm doing that.

I have spent time with at least one, if not all three, kids every day since I got back on Monday just doing simple things.

I've gone to yoga everyday.

I've filled out applications for work every day.

I have a place to live, even though it is not perfect. I rent a room in a stranger's house that I found on Craig's list. It's weird. It's not even been a week, but I know I can't do this much longer. I need a home. I will get my own place when I get a job. I need to know where I will be before I sign a lease and I am not even sure I can get a place until I have a job.

Every day I meet with someone to talk and get perspective. Yesterday, it was my mother. We had a wonderful afternoon, talking and healing.

Healing. That's what I'm doing. I'm finally allowing myself to heal. No more ripping bandages off.

The tightness in my chest and feelings of apprehension sometimes go away for minutes at a time

I'm just trying to be present. To keep breathing, even though my chest is tight.

Oh God, please help me. I feel like I am drowning sometimes.

I have to remember to float, let the water keep me buoyant, just relax and rise to the surface. There is peace there. I need that peace.

I'm learning to stand up for myself, to not bend myself into a picture of what someone else wants me to be.

This is not an easy place to be. I feel like I have gone down into the depths of the ocean, so far that I can no longer see the light.

But I know it's there.

I'm not staying in this place, but it is a place to start.

Namaste' y'all.