Just a year ago, life as I had known it was slipping through my fingers, and I was trying desperately to hold on. I couldn't. There was nothing to hold on to. My husband of 17 years had informed me that he didn't love me anymore and wanted me to leave. All the plans of safety and security that I thought were necessary to my survival disappeared in that moment. I wanted change. I just couldn't embrace it. I had already planned to quit my job teaching high school when I finished my Master's so that I could teach at the college level. I just didn't know that I would have to do it alone.
As it turned out, that didn't quite work out either. Just last week after one semester of teaching college writing, my supervisor sent me an email saying that my classes for next semester had low enrollment and that the dean wanted all such classes cancelled. I surprised myself by not being upset about this. It seems like a person would be upset to discover that a job was lost, but I just wasn't. If I felt anything it was relief. I had worked hard to get that Master's, and I have student loans to pay; however, I already knew that academic teaching was not my road. Just like in my marriage, I was on the wrong ride. Just because I stood in a long line to get on didn't mean that I had to stay on and be miserable. So, I got off, gracefully. I didn't need to be thrown off like before.
So, what's next?
I'm waiting to find out. I'm willing to sit quietly and listen. I know a few things:
1) I'm writing. I'm helping others write. I've got things to say, and I am good at helping other people express their ideas in writing.
2) Yoga is a big part of my life. It helps me stay centered, focused, and clear. I want to share it with others; that's why I am working on my teaching certification.
3) I love. I love my kids, my friends, and a man that I have longed for since I was a teenager. I'm a lucky girl to get a second chance.
That seems to be enough for now: writing, yoga, and love. I'm learning what it really means to live in the moment, to neither worry about the future nor regret the past.
It's a beautiful day in Eureka, far from Texas and everything I have known.
Except...I'm not far from everything I've known. I woke up in the arms of a man that I have known, but not known, since I was fourteen-years old. I let out the chickens and fed the animals, did a little yoga, and now I am writing while I listen to him talk on a conference call about how he and others are trying to change society to create real equality for all people. He wants to amend the US Constitution to deny corporations the rights of citizens and get money out of politics. (www.movetoamend.org) In my minds eye, I can see him as a young man speaking with the same passion, if not with the same strength and focus. I hear him laugh, and it's the same laugh that I loved as a young girl.
Life is good.
This may not be where I thought I would be a year ago, but it is most definitely where I am now and where I feel right at home.
The sun is shining and Annie-dog wants a walk. I do too.
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