Christmas Cut and Run
My family put up the Christmas tree, but I wasn't there.
Christmas is a time of family togetherness. Love it or hate it. That's what it is. So, what happens when the family splits up? The traditions aren't there anymore, unless somebody holds that space. That person is not me, so I am thankful that there is someone willing to do it.
My ex-husband loves Christmas. Every year he would start with the carols and the ornaments and the tree. We even got married right before Christmas. A lot of the ornaments are from a shower a friend of mine gave us. Most of the others were made by the kids. Yesterday I went to pick up my son and saw that they had put the tree up. My daughter had told me earlier that she had been at Dad's the night before but hadn't mentioned that it was tree trimming night. I guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings. It was the first time the family tree went up without me.
Does it hurt my feelings? Not really. I am glad my ex is able to hold that space for our kids. I can't do it. It's not that I don't like Christmas. I just don't feel it this year. It's possible I haven't felt it for a long time.
I was glad to see the tree up. Just like I was relieved not to have to cook a Thanksgiving meal. I think I have been just going through the motions of the holidays for years, not really feeling them, just playing the role, like in a movie. This role has come to an end, so I am leaving. I don't plan to celebrate Christmas this year. Certainly not in the traditional manner. Seeing the tree up just made it real. Christmas will go on without me. And, that's ok.
We used to watch "Love, Actually" as our Christmas movie. It's a series of sometimes connected vignettes of different individuals dealing with Christmas. There is a man who is raising his young son after the death of his wife, an aging rock star who releases a perfectly horrible but popular Christmas song, a man who is in love with his best friends new wife, and a young prime minister who finds love with his employee, to name a few. The one that hit home for me the last couple of years was the woman played by Emma Thompson. She is the mother of two children getting ready for a Christmas pageant, who finds a beautiful necklace in her husband's pocket. Of course, she believes it is for her and thinks that her old, fuddy-duddy husband is finally sparking some romance. He is, but it's aimed at his sexy secretary, not her. On Christmas eve, she excitedly opens her present to find a Joni Mitchell CD, not the beautiful necklace she expects. For the sake of Christmas, she pushes down her emotions, drys her tears, and puts on a smile for the family, but something has changed. When she confronts her husband, she wonders if she should stay knowing life would always be "just a little bit worse" or should she "cut and run?" She stays, but in the last scene of the movie, when she is picking him up at the airport with the kids, it is evident that she is not happy, life is "a bit worse." She sacrificed her own happiness to keep her family together. For the last few years, I have felt like that character. I can't play that role anymore. My children are mostly grown. I hope they understand. I am glad my ex is willing to keep up the traditions he loves so much. It makes me happy to see that tree up in the house. I won't be celebrating Christmas with my family this year. I've decided to "cut and run."
Things change.
My ex-husband loves Christmas. Every year he would start with the carols and the ornaments and the tree. We even got married right before Christmas. A lot of the ornaments are from a shower a friend of mine gave us. Most of the others were made by the kids. Yesterday I went to pick up my son and saw that they had put the tree up. My daughter had told me earlier that she had been at Dad's the night before but hadn't mentioned that it was tree trimming night. I guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings. It was the first time the family tree went up without me.
Does it hurt my feelings? Not really. I am glad my ex is able to hold that space for our kids. I can't do it. It's not that I don't like Christmas. I just don't feel it this year. It's possible I haven't felt it for a long time.
I was glad to see the tree up. Just like I was relieved not to have to cook a Thanksgiving meal. I think I have been just going through the motions of the holidays for years, not really feeling them, just playing the role, like in a movie. This role has come to an end, so I am leaving. I don't plan to celebrate Christmas this year. Certainly not in the traditional manner. Seeing the tree up just made it real. Christmas will go on without me. And, that's ok.
We used to watch "Love, Actually" as our Christmas movie. It's a series of sometimes connected vignettes of different individuals dealing with Christmas. There is a man who is raising his young son after the death of his wife, an aging rock star who releases a perfectly horrible but popular Christmas song, a man who is in love with his best friends new wife, and a young prime minister who finds love with his employee, to name a few. The one that hit home for me the last couple of years was the woman played by Emma Thompson. She is the mother of two children getting ready for a Christmas pageant, who finds a beautiful necklace in her husband's pocket. Of course, she believes it is for her and thinks that her old, fuddy-duddy husband is finally sparking some romance. He is, but it's aimed at his sexy secretary, not her. On Christmas eve, she excitedly opens her present to find a Joni Mitchell CD, not the beautiful necklace she expects. For the sake of Christmas, she pushes down her emotions, drys her tears, and puts on a smile for the family, but something has changed. When she confronts her husband, she wonders if she should stay knowing life would always be "just a little bit worse" or should she "cut and run?" She stays, but in the last scene of the movie, when she is picking him up at the airport with the kids, it is evident that she is not happy, life is "a bit worse." She sacrificed her own happiness to keep her family together. For the last few years, I have felt like that character. I can't play that role anymore. My children are mostly grown. I hope they understand. I am glad my ex is willing to keep up the traditions he loves so much. It makes me happy to see that tree up in the house. I won't be celebrating Christmas with my family this year. I've decided to "cut and run."
Things change.
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