Reflections from Yoga training

For the past nine days, I have been in yoga teacher training every day from 8:30 until after five.
For four days before that, I was at a yoga and meditation retreat.
That's two weeks of pretty solid going within.
I'm exhausted both physically and mentally.
I'm also feeling refreshed and primed.

Today is a resting day. My body says, "take it easy." I'm sitting on my friend's back porch with my feet up, resting my sore hamstring. I didn't pull it, it just is tender. I'm listening. I look at the grass and want to mow it for him, but I know that it can wait another day.

I finished some things that I started in the last few years these past two weeks.

The yoga retreat was the bookend to another retreat that I went to with the same two ladies two summers ago. In the first retreat, I opened up the energy of change, invoking Kali and her destruction of an old life. This one was more like a rebuilding after a rough storm, healing the still wounded areas. It completed that cycle for me. There was a very sweet camaraderie among the ladies and an overall feeling of well-being and healing. It was a very nurturing group.

I went straight from that into the second half of a yoga training I started last summer. I became very aware of how my yoga practice aligns on and off the mat. We spent a lot of time on alignment and being bodily aware. We spent one afternoon looking at the natural alignment of all of our bodies. We found that everyone has imbalances in the body. Which hand you use predominantly, if you compensate for something like a vision impairment, if you overwork one area of the body, you see it show up other places.People's hips and shoulders are not naturally even; we place our weight more strongly on one side than the other. Injuries long past healed may influence our posture today. I have a strong curve in my lower back. I naturally raise my sternum too much. This leaves me open and vulnerable in the core, allowing my power to bleed out from the front and keeping me unaware of my back body. I learned to drop my tail bone down, engage my core and retain my strength and power, instead of  it seeping out. I can still open my heart, but I don't have to let go of everything. For me, this is about setting boundaries as well as about finding my own personal strength. How I hold myself and practice on the mat directly influences and is influenced by how I practice my life off the mat.

But today, I rest.

Namaste' ya'll!

Lull - A quiet port

REINVENT YOURSELF
Be the Change!

These words pop out from the collage I made yesterday to focus myself.

Change has been a keyword for me: change of life, change of habits, change in relationships, change of address, change in career...

I seem to have reached a lull. Tired of the storms, I sought out a calm and stable port.
My little apartment has afforded me a refuge, a quiet and secure place where I can rejuvenate.
The yoga studio and my kula of friends there have offered me support and sustenance.The church offers sanctuary.
My family and I are relaxing into our renegotiated relationships with each other. We have had some beautiful moments together.

The job search has not gone so well. I am at the point where the level of rejection is getting to me a bit.
I want to be useful. I need meaningful work.
I am a service oriented individual. I like to help people.

I have tried to stay busy doing things for the yoga studio, helping friends with writing projects.
In July I will finish my yoga teacher training.
I have been doing a bit of tutoring, but summer seems to have slowed everything down. I really enjoy working with students one-on-one.

So, like I said before, I am at a bit of a lull. Patience is not easy for me. This appears to be a time when I am waiting to see what plays out. I need to just relax and submit to waiting, while I try to get clear and focused on what it is that I want.

I am also reminded that reinventing does not mean that I have to throw everything out and start over. I can build a bridge between what I have and what I want. Like people keep telling me, I am an intelligent person with a good education. I have years of teaching experience. I have good organizational skills, I can talk to people, and I can problem solve. I'm even good with computer programs. I seem to work best with projects. I want to travel. My desire is to make a difference, to illicit change in people's lives. My level of empathy requires a deep connection with people and community.

I feel like I am on the edge of something. I want to press forward, but I am also hearing that I must have patience and wait.

What's next?

Namaste' ya'll!

I feel like I have been hibernating; I've been asleep for a very long time, and it is very difficult to wake up.
I've been a grumpy bear.

What keeps me down?
Feelings of not belonging, feelings that I am not good enough, unworthy.

A group of people showed me this weekend that many of us feel that way and that it is just not true.
We can be loved and accepted just the way we are, no strings attached.

Still, those old habits of thinking, "just who do I think I am" are hard to break, but break they must if I am able to move forward. Thinking people are judging me harshly is really just me judging myself harshly. I stop myself before I can even get started.

And even worse, I cut myself off from the very people that I need and that need me.
It's a hard habit to break.

I'm ready to wake up and leave my cave.
I'm ready to stop limiting myself.
I'm ready to step forward with confidence.

Let's go.

Namaste' ya'll!

Wow. It has been a long time since I have written.
I have been busy, processing quite a bit, leaning into my new life, settling into the apartment, trying to find a job.

The main thing on my mind at the moment is my son's graduation tomorrow.

This is the end of an era. So many things have drawn to a close
This is not the way I dreamed things would be when he graduated. I thought two proud parents would stand together and we would breathe a sigh of relief and go off hand in hand.
No, it won't be my hand he is holding tomorrow.
And that's ok.

With every ending comes beginnings as well.
My son will start the next portion of his life, and so will I.

I am so proud of him.
Not so much for graduating, although I am glad that he has finished high school.
I am proud of him for being the caring person he is.
I am proud of him for being so comfortable in his own skin.
I love that boy.

Tomorrow will bring its own challenges and rewards.
Children grow up and move on with their lives.
Parents are left to figure out what to do now that their children are grown.

My relationship with my children has changed.
Once, I was their whole world; now, I am just a part of their world.
That is how it should be.
It all happens so quickly.

He fell asleep on my couch the other day, and I saw that small boy.
My heart tugs.
It is not easy letting go.
But let go, we must.

Namaste' ya'll.

Waking up...

I feel more hopeful today than I have in a long time.

In teaching, we learn to create successes for students, even if it is a small improvement, a tiny step forward in understanding, we praise them. It gives them hope and makes them want to strive harder to achieve. If we focus on the negative, the things they can’t do, then they will be stuck, not only not able to move forward, but actually regressing, feeling incapable of ever being good enough.

Today, as I took the seat of the teacher in the yoga studio, I drew an angel card from the deck sitting on the platform. It was labeled “Relationship.” Appropriate, I thought, as I have set an intention to heal relationships with my family, with people that I have hurt, lashing out in my own pain, and with people that I have made promises not kept. But the card wasn’t about relationships with other people; it spoke of healing the relationship with yourself first, how important it is to have a positive relationship with yourself.

Whoa.

I have not had a good relationship with myself.

We fight all the time, and the messages I have been sending to myself have been about focusing on mistakes, about how unworthy I feel, about how broken and pitiful I am.

If I want to nurture my own student, I can’t keep being so mean to myself. I can’t keep giving myself messages that come from a place of lack, of emptiness, of unworthiness. If I do, I will never be able to break this cycle of self-abuse.

The card went on to say how the relationship with ourselves is reflective of our relationship to the divine.

Now, I believe that the divine (in whatever form you wish to see it) exists in each and every one of us, that it is our connection to this energy that connects us all as one.

So, if I am abusive to myself, then I am abusing the divine.

Ugh!

About now, I want to start beating myself up for this transgression, but I am going to make a conscious decision to stop right there.

I have been looking outside of myself for answers, relying on others for their favor, their opinions, their concept of what I should or shouldn't be. But like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, I have had it inside of me all along. I have been fighting witches and flying monkeys in my own head, running from my own truth. Time to click my heels and go home again, put a rag on my head and smile at the familiar faces around me.

I am so fortunate. I enjoy the loving support of many friends and loved ones, people who have been right beside me all the way, ready to guide me back to the road home to myself, people who have encouraged me to replace this negative self-talk with positive possibilities, people who have been willing to hold up a mirror so that I can see how truly beautiful and worthy I am.

I am blessed.

I can’t promise that I won’t backslide and start sabotaging myself again, but I can say that I am aware of it now, ready to gently remind myself of the vast ocean of wonderful, capable, and strong that resides inside me.

I’m going to celebrate my successes, small and large.

I move into my new apartment in a few days. It took a lot of courage for me to sign that lease.

I taught my first yoga classes this week and was well received.

I have started therapy and the scary process of healing my dysfunctions.

“Hi. I’m Ruthi, and I’m addicted to my own emotions.”

Is there a support group for that?

Namaste’ ya’ll!

Hope is Replacing Fear

This past year has brought many changes, most of which I have resisted tooth and nail. I have done everything I could to either ignore them or run from them or avoid them in so many ways.

And all that has done has made the changes more difficult.

One of the biggest things I have resisted is getting an apartment on my own.

I have thrown up so many reasons not to get my own place: I didn't want to be alone; I couldn't afford it; I didn't want to sign a lease when I didn't know what I was going to do.

I was so scared of being by myself.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that hope and fear cannot coexist.

I have been allowing fear to drive me, and it has made it impossible for me to make decisions. Instead of acting consciously, I have been re-acting and allowing my emotions to take me away. Since my emotions have been volatile, this is not a positive current to follow. Allowing fear to be my guide has made me live only in flight mode.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me..."

Or:

Fear has left me paralyzed, vulnerable to any attack, unable to move or act at all, susceptible to any outside force, a doodlebug balled up ready to be squished.

Operating in a fear-based place has not worked so well for me.

Time for hope.

Yesterday, I decided that enough was enough. The number one area that I needed to take care of was a place to live that was mine. I did it in Eureka, there was no reason why I could not do it here. I loved my little genie-bottle apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a yoga mat. I treasured my alone time in there, even when I was scared of being alone. I loved being able to go in and shut the door and just be with myself. How am I going to ever know myself if I don't have a space to be alone?

So, I bit the bullet and applied for an apartment.

It's a tiny thing, but with hardwood floors and just enough space to feel secure without being overwhelming, at a decent price, close to my children and between the two yoga studios. When I walked in, I knew it was mine. I should be able to move in next Friday.

Hope is replacing fear.

Namaste' ya'll!

Ready to Climb Up

Coming back from East Texas on Friday, I began to panic.

I was heading "home," but there was no home to go to. 

The thought of returning to the stranger's house was inconceivable. I needed a soft place to land.

Thank God for good friends. I have a dear friend who has been by side since the very beginning of this landslide, helping me negotiate the shifting earth beneath my unsteady feet. She has nurtured me through the divorce proceedings like a mother bear; she understands. She's been going through all the twists and turns herself; she's just a little further down on steadier ground.

She welcomed me into her home the way her guide had welcomed her.

Finally, I feel safe.

And, not so alone. 

It won't be long until I have a job and can get my own apartment. I have my first interviews this week. I am starting to dream of my own place, which means I will be able to do it.

I can see the fog beginning to lift.

I know that the difficult times are not behind me, but I do think that the worst part is passing.

I have a long climb to get back up the mountain, but I finally feel like I have my climbing gear on.

Namaste' ya'll!