Hope is Replacing Fear

This past year has brought many changes, most of which I have resisted tooth and nail. I have done everything I could to either ignore them or run from them or avoid them in so many ways.

And all that has done has made the changes more difficult.

One of the biggest things I have resisted is getting an apartment on my own.

I have thrown up so many reasons not to get my own place: I didn't want to be alone; I couldn't afford it; I didn't want to sign a lease when I didn't know what I was going to do.

I was so scared of being by myself.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that hope and fear cannot coexist.

I have been allowing fear to drive me, and it has made it impossible for me to make decisions. Instead of acting consciously, I have been re-acting and allowing my emotions to take me away. Since my emotions have been volatile, this is not a positive current to follow. Allowing fear to be my guide has made me live only in flight mode.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me..."

Or:

Fear has left me paralyzed, vulnerable to any attack, unable to move or act at all, susceptible to any outside force, a doodlebug balled up ready to be squished.

Operating in a fear-based place has not worked so well for me.

Time for hope.

Yesterday, I decided that enough was enough. The number one area that I needed to take care of was a place to live that was mine. I did it in Eureka, there was no reason why I could not do it here. I loved my little genie-bottle apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a yoga mat. I treasured my alone time in there, even when I was scared of being alone. I loved being able to go in and shut the door and just be with myself. How am I going to ever know myself if I don't have a space to be alone?

So, I bit the bullet and applied for an apartment.

It's a tiny thing, but with hardwood floors and just enough space to feel secure without being overwhelming, at a decent price, close to my children and between the two yoga studios. When I walked in, I knew it was mine. I should be able to move in next Friday.

Hope is replacing fear.

Namaste' ya'll!