Waking up...

I feel more hopeful today than I have in a long time.

In teaching, we learn to create successes for students, even if it is a small improvement, a tiny step forward in understanding, we praise them. It gives them hope and makes them want to strive harder to achieve. If we focus on the negative, the things they can’t do, then they will be stuck, not only not able to move forward, but actually regressing, feeling incapable of ever being good enough.

Today, as I took the seat of the teacher in the yoga studio, I drew an angel card from the deck sitting on the platform. It was labeled “Relationship.” Appropriate, I thought, as I have set an intention to heal relationships with my family, with people that I have hurt, lashing out in my own pain, and with people that I have made promises not kept. But the card wasn’t about relationships with other people; it spoke of healing the relationship with yourself first, how important it is to have a positive relationship with yourself.

Whoa.

I have not had a good relationship with myself.

We fight all the time, and the messages I have been sending to myself have been about focusing on mistakes, about how unworthy I feel, about how broken and pitiful I am.

If I want to nurture my own student, I can’t keep being so mean to myself. I can’t keep giving myself messages that come from a place of lack, of emptiness, of unworthiness. If I do, I will never be able to break this cycle of self-abuse.

The card went on to say how the relationship with ourselves is reflective of our relationship to the divine.

Now, I believe that the divine (in whatever form you wish to see it) exists in each and every one of us, that it is our connection to this energy that connects us all as one.

So, if I am abusive to myself, then I am abusing the divine.

Ugh!

About now, I want to start beating myself up for this transgression, but I am going to make a conscious decision to stop right there.

I have been looking outside of myself for answers, relying on others for their favor, their opinions, their concept of what I should or shouldn't be. But like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, I have had it inside of me all along. I have been fighting witches and flying monkeys in my own head, running from my own truth. Time to click my heels and go home again, put a rag on my head and smile at the familiar faces around me.

I am so fortunate. I enjoy the loving support of many friends and loved ones, people who have been right beside me all the way, ready to guide me back to the road home to myself, people who have encouraged me to replace this negative self-talk with positive possibilities, people who have been willing to hold up a mirror so that I can see how truly beautiful and worthy I am.

I am blessed.

I can’t promise that I won’t backslide and start sabotaging myself again, but I can say that I am aware of it now, ready to gently remind myself of the vast ocean of wonderful, capable, and strong that resides inside me.

I’m going to celebrate my successes, small and large.

I move into my new apartment in a few days. It took a lot of courage for me to sign that lease.

I taught my first yoga classes this week and was well received.

I have started therapy and the scary process of healing my dysfunctions.

“Hi. I’m Ruthi, and I’m addicted to my own emotions.”

Is there a support group for that?

Namaste’ ya’ll!

Hope is Replacing Fear

This past year has brought many changes, most of which I have resisted tooth and nail. I have done everything I could to either ignore them or run from them or avoid them in so many ways.

And all that has done has made the changes more difficult.

One of the biggest things I have resisted is getting an apartment on my own.

I have thrown up so many reasons not to get my own place: I didn't want to be alone; I couldn't afford it; I didn't want to sign a lease when I didn't know what I was going to do.

I was so scared of being by myself.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that hope and fear cannot coexist.

I have been allowing fear to drive me, and it has made it impossible for me to make decisions. Instead of acting consciously, I have been re-acting and allowing my emotions to take me away. Since my emotions have been volatile, this is not a positive current to follow. Allowing fear to be my guide has made me live only in flight mode.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me..."

Or:

Fear has left me paralyzed, vulnerable to any attack, unable to move or act at all, susceptible to any outside force, a doodlebug balled up ready to be squished.

Operating in a fear-based place has not worked so well for me.

Time for hope.

Yesterday, I decided that enough was enough. The number one area that I needed to take care of was a place to live that was mine. I did it in Eureka, there was no reason why I could not do it here. I loved my little genie-bottle apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a yoga mat. I treasured my alone time in there, even when I was scared of being alone. I loved being able to go in and shut the door and just be with myself. How am I going to ever know myself if I don't have a space to be alone?

So, I bit the bullet and applied for an apartment.

It's a tiny thing, but with hardwood floors and just enough space to feel secure without being overwhelming, at a decent price, close to my children and between the two yoga studios. When I walked in, I knew it was mine. I should be able to move in next Friday.

Hope is replacing fear.

Namaste' ya'll!

Ready to Climb Up

Coming back from East Texas on Friday, I began to panic.

I was heading "home," but there was no home to go to. 

The thought of returning to the stranger's house was inconceivable. I needed a soft place to land.

Thank God for good friends. I have a dear friend who has been by side since the very beginning of this landslide, helping me negotiate the shifting earth beneath my unsteady feet. She has nurtured me through the divorce proceedings like a mother bear; she understands. She's been going through all the twists and turns herself; she's just a little further down on steadier ground.

She welcomed me into her home the way her guide had welcomed her.

Finally, I feel safe.

And, not so alone. 

It won't be long until I have a job and can get my own apartment. I have my first interviews this week. I am starting to dream of my own place, which means I will be able to do it.

I can see the fog beginning to lift.

I know that the difficult times are not behind me, but I do think that the worst part is passing.

I have a long climb to get back up the mountain, but I finally feel like I have my climbing gear on.

Namaste' ya'll!

Beneath the Water

I'm trying to be patient with myself.

It's not easy.

I came back to spend time with my kids and let them know that I am here for them.

I'm doing that.

I have spent time with at least one, if not all three, kids every day since I got back on Monday just doing simple things.

I've gone to yoga everyday.

I've filled out applications for work every day.

I have a place to live, even though it is not perfect. I rent a room in a stranger's house that I found on Craig's list. It's weird. It's not even been a week, but I know I can't do this much longer. I need a home. I will get my own place when I get a job. I need to know where I will be before I sign a lease and I am not even sure I can get a place until I have a job.

Every day I meet with someone to talk and get perspective. Yesterday, it was my mother. We had a wonderful afternoon, talking and healing.

Healing. That's what I'm doing. I'm finally allowing myself to heal. No more ripping bandages off.

The tightness in my chest and feelings of apprehension sometimes go away for minutes at a time

I'm just trying to be present. To keep breathing, even though my chest is tight.

Oh God, please help me. I feel like I am drowning sometimes.

I have to remember to float, let the water keep me buoyant, just relax and rise to the surface. There is peace there. I need that peace.

I'm learning to stand up for myself, to not bend myself into a picture of what someone else wants me to be.

This is not an easy place to be. I feel like I have gone down into the depths of the ocean, so far that I can no longer see the light.

But I know it's there.

I'm not staying in this place, but it is a place to start.

Namaste' y'all.

After a long journey, I have returned to where I started. I have found that not much has changed and yet, everything has changed. Maybe it is me that has changed.

I'm not going to lie; I have no idea what I am doing.

I am here because I need to be near my kids. Seeing Bobby and Jackson yesterday was fabulous. It felt so easy being with them.

This morning I can barely breathe.

I went to yoga hoping that would help, but I have this tightness in my chest and belly that won't let up. I have been in flight mode so long. I am trying to face things; it is really uncomfortable.

What am I doing? What is my purpose?

I am trying so hard to figure that out. I know I just need to relax and flow, but it is really, really difficult.

So many people I know are dealing with difficulty and hardship; I try to see myself as fortunate.

I found a place to live, at least temporarily. This is not going to work in the long term.

I need a job, a way to make a living. I have put in so many applications.

Breathe, breathe, trust, trust; keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hope.

I am here to rebuild relationships, to stay open and communicate. That's my mantra.

Everything else will follow.

Right?

I sure hope so.

Namaste' ya'll.

Re-entry

"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a clear blue sky..."

You know you are back in Texas when the name of the yoga class is "Yoga for Y'all." I felt right at home this morning driving down 290 in the Hill Country around Dripping Springs, thinking, "Yes, this is where I belong."

I felt like I could breathe easier even when I first landed last Monday morning.

It was an arduous trip from Eureka to Austin. I had to take a bus from Eureka to San Francisco, a train to the airport, a plane to Austin, then a bus to near Buda, and finally a taxi the rest of the way to end up on Jim and Valerie's porch. The whole thing took a total of 24 hours; I was exhausted, but so glad to be back.

For the last week, I was working Production Crew at Old Settler's Music Festival. What a great bunch of people. They made me feel like family. We worked hard and listened to lots of great music under the trees of Driftwood. Posh camping in Jim and Valerie's trailer and group meals around the fire. I felt embraced by the atmosphere and the people; I couldn't have asked for a better landing. Reminded me how important those things are to me. I had worried that I kept saying I wanted to go home but didn't have a home to go to. I needn't have worried; home is here, among friends and family. That's different from a house.

Now, I am in Dripping Springs with my cousins, and I couldn't be happier to be here.

I've been applying for jobs and looking for places to live. The anxiety is abetting. Things are starting to flow easier. I have confidence that "what will be, will be." I don't need to control it, but I do need to put forth the energy to receive.

I've been worrying that I don't really know what I want. How can I manifest the life I want when I don't know what that is? I'm learning to be patient. It will come. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If I find I am going in the wrong direction, all I have to do is change course.

I'm visiting friends, people I love here and then heading down to the Houston/Galveston on Monday for the people I love there.



N'amaste' ya'll.

From the Redwood forests...

I left Eureka, CA this morning, taking a bus down Hwy 101 to San Francisco.

That’s quite a cultural as well as a geographical leap, so forgive me if I have a bit of a lag. Giant redwoods and craggy rock formations of the wild Pacific north coast gave way to wineries, wider roads, and way more cars as we approached the Bay area.

In Eureka, people perpetually look like they just got out of bed and layered on whatever was laying on the floor. More men are bearded and people wear their hair longer. There is a reason for that. The days start chilly or just down-right cold, and they can warm up or re-chill at a moment’s notice. People don’t shower every day, because it is just too darn cold. Besides, they don’t want to waste water. There’s a drought on, you know. People up there are very aware of the environment because they can see it. Right there. It’s visceral. There is not a blanket between them and the natural world. When you see the ocean, mountains, and trees every day, you don’t forget they are there and need protection.

 The bus drive down reminded me of how stunningly beautiful the natural world can be. I sat in the front seat and just admired the scenery as we drove. I get carsick, so I can’t read or look away. I had hours to just be with the passing view. There are few towns out there with wide open spaces between that are filled with trees, rivers, and rocks. The road mostly follows the rivers. One can easily imagine what it was like before people started building stuff.

That’s much more difficult to see in a highly urban area like San Francisco.

After we crossed the bay, the road was full of cars and the scenery was much more consumed with man-made objects. On the walk from the bus terminal, downtown buildings reached for the sky instead of the giant redwoods I hiked through just yesterday. As I watched out the BART window on my way to the airport, I saw the crowded streets of San Francisco. Prime real estate, the houses are lined up in row upon row with no space between.

People here are different too. Cleaner. Stylishly dressed. Urban.

I’m not saying one is better than the other. Just different.

Tomorrow, I will be in Austin, Texas. That will be different, too.

I'm glad I have had a chance to see how other people live and experience their environment. It's changed me, changed the way I look at life. 

Namaste’ ya’ll.