Not Drowning

Those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief

turning downward through its black water
to the place we cannot breathe

will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear,
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished for something else.

~David Whyte
The Well of Grief

I am in the black water now. I cannot find my way out, and I am not sure how I got here or why, but here I am again.

No one wants to be down here with me and I do not blame them.

Keith peers down at me not sure why I don't want to come up. I do. I just can't. He can't see me reaching for him. I want so desperately for him to reach down and pull me up, but I am afraid that I will pull him down, and I know that he cannot breathe underwater. I see him up there in the boat; he's paddled out for me but cannot break the water that covers me.

I want to breathe; I want to speak, but I know that if I open my mouththewaterwillrushinandfillallmycavitiesandiwilldrownonmyown

air.

melting, spreading...

filling in the spaces in my molecules until I cease to exist

if only

i could cease to exist

and hear I am 

torn between the place I am and the place i want to be

silenced

no where to
go
no where to
be
no one to
be with

i do not know where i am
i cannot take care of another thing
another person
there is no one to be

i hear life going on outside my window
see the sun
hear the birds

there is nothing
wrong
there is nothing
right
there is nothing
to do about it

i cannot control this
it takes over
i was fine yesterday
flying almost
what happened?

triggers
you don't have a choice
why didn't you do this
why can't you be normal
you are making it up
why the fuck would i make it up
explain yourself
there must be a reason for this strong of a reaction
what is wrong
and then i have to take care of someone else
when i cannot take care of myself
afraid that if i don't convince them that i am happy
they will punish me
i have to be nice
i have to be grateful
smile
give in
and then
when i don't
when i can't
im done

my skin itches all over
my heart beats itself
against the cage of my chest
trying to force its way out
to explode like an alien birth
the buzzing in my head like bees
swarming
covering my eyes
my ears
a vice around my neck
squeezing
i cannot breathe
cannot catch a breath
the screaming in my head is louder
than the buzzing of the bees
crawling in and out of my mouth and nose
choking back the words
i cannot explain
i cannot open my mouth
i have no mouth
no air

it will not always be this way
it will not be this way tomorrow
if i can make it to tomorrow
if i can make it through this feeling
and this one
and this
if i can bear the weight on my chest
maybe i can find the coins
if i even believe they exist