Moving to Mend

I have been here in Eureka for three weeks now, and although I moved out here to be closer to Keith, I have spent about half that time separated from him. I knew that this would be the way it is, but relationships are difficult enough, long-distance ones are even more difficult. Of course, that wasn't the only reason I moved here; I was also looking for a place to mend my tattered life, a place to heal and rise again.

I tried to listen to the cues that were given me, to hear that helicopter pilot flying above the roads warning of what was ahead and encouraging me to get off the path and take the slower route. It is difficult not to say to that pilot, “Hey, are you nuts? I could just keep plodding along here with the other cars; at least I know this road!” But the cues that I was getting were more like giant hammers from the sky.

I went to meet with Mother Susan yesterday, the rector at Christ’s Episcopal, Eureka. As my story unfolded, with tears and the proffered box of Kleenex, she commented that I had suffered one trauma after another.

Trauma.

I had not thought of it that way. I had felt it, but being in the middle of it, I had just been riding the waves. Trauma, on first hearing, sounds very negative and almost excessive but also true. She said that I had experienced ALL of the prime stressors in the last year, except that I had not suffered an illness.

(divorce, job loss, home loss, car accident…)

Thank goodness for good health!

I’m trying not to dwell on the extensive list of changes over the last year, but I do feel a little battered and bruised.

Ok, maybe more than a little. Maybe I feel like I have been beaten against the rocks of life.

It actually feels good to admit that, not in an “oh woe is me” sort of way, but in a clinical, step back and triage the damage sort of way.

Now, I can figure out how to deal with it.

And, scary and lonely as it is, I think I came to the right place.

I have work to do here. Important work. I am beginning to see how I fit in to this social movement called the Move to Amend Coalition. It is a steady chipping at a huge block, but it is a worthy fight, and I am in it with many other dedicated individuals. In that, I find community and purpose.

 But Keith will still be gone another 10 days.

I went to see Joaquin Phoenix in “Her” last night. This is the story of the ultimate long-distance relationship; he can never enter her world, and she can never enter his, no matter how hard they try. It is a movie about relationships, both with technology and with other humans. At several points, he says that he can feel her with him. I feel like that; sometimes Keith’s voice on the phone becomes a tangible presence for me.

But, the truth is that human beings are physical beings, so the lack of physical contact is challenging. I can “imagine” him beside me, but it is not the same as a real, solid human being. Fortunately, we still exist on the same plane, and he will return eventually.

The real reason the relationship in the movie ends is because she evolves and changes rapidly; she grows and learns and communicates with other artificial intelligences and they eventually all depart, leaving their human friends to each other.

It was also a move about divorce and how people just change and can’t be together anymore.

I am not sure if I am getting this across, but I actually found the movie uplifting. It ends with him and his best friend watching the sun rise over the city, heads leaned in toward each other.

Connection is still possible.

Healing is possible.

Hope is always present.

Namaste’ ya’ll!