Waking up...

I feel more hopeful today than I have in a long time.

In teaching, we learn to create successes for students, even if it is a small improvement, a tiny step forward in understanding, we praise them. It gives them hope and makes them want to strive harder to achieve. If we focus on the negative, the things they can’t do, then they will be stuck, not only not able to move forward, but actually regressing, feeling incapable of ever being good enough.

Today, as I took the seat of the teacher in the yoga studio, I drew an angel card from the deck sitting on the platform. It was labeled “Relationship.” Appropriate, I thought, as I have set an intention to heal relationships with my family, with people that I have hurt, lashing out in my own pain, and with people that I have made promises not kept. But the card wasn’t about relationships with other people; it spoke of healing the relationship with yourself first, how important it is to have a positive relationship with yourself.

Whoa.

I have not had a good relationship with myself.

We fight all the time, and the messages I have been sending to myself have been about focusing on mistakes, about how unworthy I feel, about how broken and pitiful I am.

If I want to nurture my own student, I can’t keep being so mean to myself. I can’t keep giving myself messages that come from a place of lack, of emptiness, of unworthiness. If I do, I will never be able to break this cycle of self-abuse.

The card went on to say how the relationship with ourselves is reflective of our relationship to the divine.

Now, I believe that the divine (in whatever form you wish to see it) exists in each and every one of us, that it is our connection to this energy that connects us all as one.

So, if I am abusive to myself, then I am abusing the divine.

Ugh!

About now, I want to start beating myself up for this transgression, but I am going to make a conscious decision to stop right there.

I have been looking outside of myself for answers, relying on others for their favor, their opinions, their concept of what I should or shouldn't be. But like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, I have had it inside of me all along. I have been fighting witches and flying monkeys in my own head, running from my own truth. Time to click my heels and go home again, put a rag on my head and smile at the familiar faces around me.

I am so fortunate. I enjoy the loving support of many friends and loved ones, people who have been right beside me all the way, ready to guide me back to the road home to myself, people who have encouraged me to replace this negative self-talk with positive possibilities, people who have been willing to hold up a mirror so that I can see how truly beautiful and worthy I am.

I am blessed.

I can’t promise that I won’t backslide and start sabotaging myself again, but I can say that I am aware of it now, ready to gently remind myself of the vast ocean of wonderful, capable, and strong that resides inside me.

I’m going to celebrate my successes, small and large.

I move into my new apartment in a few days. It took a lot of courage for me to sign that lease.

I taught my first yoga classes this week and was well received.

I have started therapy and the scary process of healing my dysfunctions.

“Hi. I’m Ruthi, and I’m addicted to my own emotions.”

Is there a support group for that?

Namaste’ ya’ll!

Hope is Replacing Fear

This past year has brought many changes, most of which I have resisted tooth and nail. I have done everything I could to either ignore them or run from them or avoid them in so many ways.

And all that has done has made the changes more difficult.

One of the biggest things I have resisted is getting an apartment on my own.

I have thrown up so many reasons not to get my own place: I didn't want to be alone; I couldn't afford it; I didn't want to sign a lease when I didn't know what I was going to do.

I was so scared of being by myself.

A dear friend of mine told me the other day that hope and fear cannot coexist.

I have been allowing fear to drive me, and it has made it impossible for me to make decisions. Instead of acting consciously, I have been re-acting and allowing my emotions to take me away. Since my emotions have been volatile, this is not a positive current to follow. Allowing fear to be my guide has made me live only in flight mode.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me..."

Or:

Fear has left me paralyzed, vulnerable to any attack, unable to move or act at all, susceptible to any outside force, a doodlebug balled up ready to be squished.

Operating in a fear-based place has not worked so well for me.

Time for hope.

Yesterday, I decided that enough was enough. The number one area that I needed to take care of was a place to live that was mine. I did it in Eureka, there was no reason why I could not do it here. I loved my little genie-bottle apartment with nothing in it but a bed and a yoga mat. I treasured my alone time in there, even when I was scared of being alone. I loved being able to go in and shut the door and just be with myself. How am I going to ever know myself if I don't have a space to be alone?

So, I bit the bullet and applied for an apartment.

It's a tiny thing, but with hardwood floors and just enough space to feel secure without being overwhelming, at a decent price, close to my children and between the two yoga studios. When I walked in, I knew it was mine. I should be able to move in next Friday.

Hope is replacing fear.

Namaste' ya'll!

Ready to Climb Up

Coming back from East Texas on Friday, I began to panic.

I was heading "home," but there was no home to go to. 

The thought of returning to the stranger's house was inconceivable. I needed a soft place to land.

Thank God for good friends. I have a dear friend who has been by side since the very beginning of this landslide, helping me negotiate the shifting earth beneath my unsteady feet. She has nurtured me through the divorce proceedings like a mother bear; she understands. She's been going through all the twists and turns herself; she's just a little further down on steadier ground.

She welcomed me into her home the way her guide had welcomed her.

Finally, I feel safe.

And, not so alone. 

It won't be long until I have a job and can get my own apartment. I have my first interviews this week. I am starting to dream of my own place, which means I will be able to do it.

I can see the fog beginning to lift.

I know that the difficult times are not behind me, but I do think that the worst part is passing.

I have a long climb to get back up the mountain, but I finally feel like I have my climbing gear on.

Namaste' ya'll!