big yellow taxi

“Don’t it always seem to go…that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone…”

I have had to face quite a few realities lately.

When you lose everything that you thought was important to you, that is what tends to happen.
It certainly puts things into perspective.

I had the seemingly perfect life, and yet I was unhappy. Was it my circumstances or my attitude that made it so?

I think I had to lose it all in order to see the truth.

It was me.

Ok, it wasn’t just me.
Relationships are a two-way street and in families, it’s really one of those cloverleaf interchanges on the freeway; the more people are involved, the harrier the exchange of traffic.

I think I had to step back in order to get some perspective.

I had to go far, far away.

“No matter where you go…there you are”

There are so many simple things that I miss.

But mostly, I miss my family.

The things I lost: the house, the car, the job…those were nothing.

What is important are the relationships with my family and friends. Those things you can never replace. Sure, you can make new friends, start a new family, but unlike material possessions, no two individuals are exactly alike. I will never again be able to spend time with my father or grandparents. People I loved dearly and who at the time, I didn’t realize I could lose forever.

I have blown up relationships with the people I love.

It started with my mother. Now that I have experienced the other side, I am horrified at my behavior towards her over the years. I still have time to work on that but maybe not so much.

My children are growing up, but that does not mean I need to abandon them. And, I have.

I have been in so much pain over my divorce that I have been unable to see that.

I want to be with my boys. I want to have a relationship with my mother. I want to mend my relationship with my daughter.

I am missing so much.

I feel like I have been asleep for the past year. I thought I was being present, but I was napping.

And the nightmare started.

I was so hurt by losing my husband’s love. It was something I relied upon. Something that I thought I could never lose. But, a big, yellow taxi took it away.

I know that it sounds old-fashioned, but I married for life. I took those vows seriously. I never expected to break them. I thought we would grow old together. I was sure of it; maybe, too sure.

But it wasn’t so, and when it happened, I couldn’t even imagine living in a world where it wasn’t.

What I have learned is that even if I am no longer John’s wife, I am still Sarah, Bobby, and Jackson’s mother. I just have to figure out how to do that in a different context, no matter how badly it hurts.

Maybe Sarah was right; it’s not about me.

Namaste’ ya’ll.