Courage on tiny cat feet

Courage on tiny cat feet

People keep telling me I am brave. I don’t feel courageous. In fact, most of the time I am scared shitless, but maybe that is the definition of bravery: doing something even when you are terrified beyond belief.

I have been in Eureka for almost two weeks. Mostly I have been getting acclimated, putting my feet on the ground, learning the ropes of being an intern for the Move to Amend coalition, and getting settled in to my little apartment.

I had resisted getting my own place for a long time. I was scared to be alone.

Back in August when I was getting ready to leave my home, my kids, my dogs, my cats, my garden, my kitchen, my sanctuary…I was overwhelmed.

I knew it was the right thing to do, the ONLY thing to do, but it was so, so difficult. I really didn’t know what I was going to do. Not only was I having to leave behind everything that said “home” to me, I also had not lived on my own since I was in my 20’s.

Courage came for me then in the yoga studio one day, when my friend Pat said that I could come stay with him and his wife Mona. They gave me a room with a view of their gorgeous garden and a safe place to stay. I am so grateful.

But I was rootless.

I tried to keep my kite string down at Jim and Val’s place in Buda. I visited them a lot this last year. That has been a blessing, because I love those two people more than most of my family. Val is my sister-friend. She has held my hand through most of the married and now divorced part of my life. I have known her since before Jackson was born. She taught me to be a Succulent Wild Woman and has always provided me the best of counsel. She is truly wise.

Jim admires me. He is one of the men that made me feel desirable again. He admires from afar, but he lets me know, and I truly appreciate that. One of my favorite things to do is sit on the Corry’s front porch and sing along with Jim. We have to stop and put our hands over our ears when the trains come through, but even that becomes a meditative moment to pause.

The last few months have provided more upheaval. I can see that I caused it; we always do.  I lost my job at the University, I wrecked my car, I overstayed my welcome….I really wasn’t dealing with things well. I wasn’t dealing with them at all, if I could help it. There was this overwhelming need to shed, to slough off an old skin. So many of the roles that I had played were either non-existent or seriously diminished and altered. I am nobody’s wife. My mothering role has changed drastically. To tell the truth, I haven’t felt strong enough to be anybody’s anything, because it has taken so much power to work on my own issues.

I am a deeply emotional person. I feel things more strongly than average, and I not only empathize with other people’s emotions, I also take them on as my own. Valerie calls me a “feeler.” I am more than empathetic; it’s almost like a super-power. It has its downsides; the stream of emotions can be overwhelming, not only for me, but for other people. I have had to face how that has affected my relationships.

So courage comes on tiny cat feet, one tentative paw after another, testing for sturdiness, wobbling and bravely moving forward, knowing full well that one could slip at any time.

But cats have nine lives and always land on their feet.

Namaste’ ya’ll!