I'm in a Freedom style yoga teacher training this week with Carie Garrett. She told a story at the end of the day that really resonated with me about a traffic helicopter. She said to imagine you are driving down the freeway to a destination with a clear road in front of you as far as you can see. But the truth is that since you are at ground level, you don't really see as far as you think. Up ahead, for one reason or another, traffic is at a standstill, but you can't see it because of the contours of the earth. That's why there are traffic helicopters that can fly above and look at the same terrain but from a different, higher perspective. So let's say you had been driving along and, of course, the highway is usually the fastest way to go, but something tells you to take a different route through the countryside. You don't do it, because it seems counter-intuitive, but then you end up stuck in this horrible traffic jam, and you kick yourself for not taking what now proves to be the better route. Of course, if you are tuned in to the frequency on the radio, or your smart phone, that reports the traffic, you would also be aware of the problem ahead and could listen to that voice. The trick is to be tuned in. And to listen.
I was laying on my yoga mat thinking, "yep, this is how I have been living my life."
The universe has been talking to me lately.
Ok, not just talking...screaming, yelling, pleading.
It's been telling me, "Hey, chickie! You can't live your life the way you've been doing it! It's not going to work anymore."
Everything that has happened over the last year from my divorce, to my car wreck, to the loss of my job has stripped away almost every semblance of my old life.
I'm not going to lie. It's scary as shit.
The roles that I have played for the past several years are all gone.
I'm nobody's wife.
I'm not a high school teacher.
I don't have a household to run.
I'm still a mother, but even that role has changed dramatically, since I don't live with my children.
So, what does that leave me with?
Me.
Just me.
Whoa. That is both an exhilarating and frightening proposition.
Last week, I was so frightened at the prospect of having nowhere to live and no plans beyond the next few weeks that I cried out in anguish, "I want my life back!"
Almost as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized what a ridiculous plea that was.
There's a short story called "The Monkey's Paw" where a couple is granted three wishes on the talisman. It's a testament to being careful of what you wish for. First they wish for $200 to pay off their house, which leads to their son being killed with the money coming from his death settlement. They wish for their dead son to return, but when they hear the thing at the door that was their son, the father uses the last wish to put him back in his grave. Wishing for my old life back was like the couple's wish for their dead son. One cannot bring something dead back to life. See also: Stephen King's Pet Cemetery. It ain't purty.
Which leaves me with exhilarating.
I have this empty plate. What will I put on it?
In the midst of all this change, I have stuck with yoga. I signed up for my 200 hour certification back at the beginning. I didn't know why. I just listened to the little voice that said, "do it." And I have been on my mat listening and learning ever since. Carie's training is showing me that I am not crazy to listen to the voices in my head. I am on a journey. I don't know the exact destination, but I am planning to enjoy the sights.
I have seen some wondrous things. I am learning that there is SO much more out there to see. There are so many other ways to live than the life I have been leading.
I am remembering my dreams.
I am reconnecting with people who meant so much to me before my marriage.
I am beginning to find out who I am, not in relationship to someone else but for my own sake.
I am singing, dancing, and telling stories.
I feel lighter than air, like I am floating on gossamer wings above the beautiful redwoods in the fairy forest.
I am tuning in to that frequency. I will take that drive through the countryside instead of staying on the freeway.
Namaste' y'all!
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