Lull - A quiet port

REINVENT YOURSELF
Be the Change!

These words pop out from the collage I made yesterday to focus myself.

Change has been a keyword for me: change of life, change of habits, change in relationships, change of address, change in career...

I seem to have reached a lull. Tired of the storms, I sought out a calm and stable port.
My little apartment has afforded me a refuge, a quiet and secure place where I can rejuvenate.
The yoga studio and my kula of friends there have offered me support and sustenance.The church offers sanctuary.
My family and I are relaxing into our renegotiated relationships with each other. We have had some beautiful moments together.

The job search has not gone so well. I am at the point where the level of rejection is getting to me a bit.
I want to be useful. I need meaningful work.
I am a service oriented individual. I like to help people.

I have tried to stay busy doing things for the yoga studio, helping friends with writing projects.
In July I will finish my yoga teacher training.
I have been doing a bit of tutoring, but summer seems to have slowed everything down. I really enjoy working with students one-on-one.

So, like I said before, I am at a bit of a lull. Patience is not easy for me. This appears to be a time when I am waiting to see what plays out. I need to just relax and submit to waiting, while I try to get clear and focused on what it is that I want.

I am also reminded that reinventing does not mean that I have to throw everything out and start over. I can build a bridge between what I have and what I want. Like people keep telling me, I am an intelligent person with a good education. I have years of teaching experience. I have good organizational skills, I can talk to people, and I can problem solve. I'm even good with computer programs. I seem to work best with projects. I want to travel. My desire is to make a difference, to illicit change in people's lives. My level of empathy requires a deep connection with people and community.

I feel like I am on the edge of something. I want to press forward, but I am also hearing that I must have patience and wait.

What's next?

Namaste' ya'll!

I feel like I have been hibernating; I've been asleep for a very long time, and it is very difficult to wake up.
I've been a grumpy bear.

What keeps me down?
Feelings of not belonging, feelings that I am not good enough, unworthy.

A group of people showed me this weekend that many of us feel that way and that it is just not true.
We can be loved and accepted just the way we are, no strings attached.

Still, those old habits of thinking, "just who do I think I am" are hard to break, but break they must if I am able to move forward. Thinking people are judging me harshly is really just me judging myself harshly. I stop myself before I can even get started.

And even worse, I cut myself off from the very people that I need and that need me.
It's a hard habit to break.

I'm ready to wake up and leave my cave.
I'm ready to stop limiting myself.
I'm ready to step forward with confidence.

Let's go.

Namaste' ya'll!

Wow. It has been a long time since I have written.
I have been busy, processing quite a bit, leaning into my new life, settling into the apartment, trying to find a job.

The main thing on my mind at the moment is my son's graduation tomorrow.

This is the end of an era. So many things have drawn to a close
This is not the way I dreamed things would be when he graduated. I thought two proud parents would stand together and we would breathe a sigh of relief and go off hand in hand.
No, it won't be my hand he is holding tomorrow.
And that's ok.

With every ending comes beginnings as well.
My son will start the next portion of his life, and so will I.

I am so proud of him.
Not so much for graduating, although I am glad that he has finished high school.
I am proud of him for being the caring person he is.
I am proud of him for being so comfortable in his own skin.
I love that boy.

Tomorrow will bring its own challenges and rewards.
Children grow up and move on with their lives.
Parents are left to figure out what to do now that their children are grown.

My relationship with my children has changed.
Once, I was their whole world; now, I am just a part of their world.
That is how it should be.
It all happens so quickly.

He fell asleep on my couch the other day, and I saw that small boy.
My heart tugs.
It is not easy letting go.
But let go, we must.

Namaste' ya'll.