Beneath the Water

I'm trying to be patient with myself.

It's not easy.

I came back to spend time with my kids and let them know that I am here for them.

I'm doing that.

I have spent time with at least one, if not all three, kids every day since I got back on Monday just doing simple things.

I've gone to yoga everyday.

I've filled out applications for work every day.

I have a place to live, even though it is not perfect. I rent a room in a stranger's house that I found on Craig's list. It's weird. It's not even been a week, but I know I can't do this much longer. I need a home. I will get my own place when I get a job. I need to know where I will be before I sign a lease and I am not even sure I can get a place until I have a job.

Every day I meet with someone to talk and get perspective. Yesterday, it was my mother. We had a wonderful afternoon, talking and healing.

Healing. That's what I'm doing. I'm finally allowing myself to heal. No more ripping bandages off.

The tightness in my chest and feelings of apprehension sometimes go away for minutes at a time

I'm just trying to be present. To keep breathing, even though my chest is tight.

Oh God, please help me. I feel like I am drowning sometimes.

I have to remember to float, let the water keep me buoyant, just relax and rise to the surface. There is peace there. I need that peace.

I'm learning to stand up for myself, to not bend myself into a picture of what someone else wants me to be.

This is not an easy place to be. I feel like I have gone down into the depths of the ocean, so far that I can no longer see the light.

But I know it's there.

I'm not staying in this place, but it is a place to start.

Namaste' y'all.

After a long journey, I have returned to where I started. I have found that not much has changed and yet, everything has changed. Maybe it is me that has changed.

I'm not going to lie; I have no idea what I am doing.

I am here because I need to be near my kids. Seeing Bobby and Jackson yesterday was fabulous. It felt so easy being with them.

This morning I can barely breathe.

I went to yoga hoping that would help, but I have this tightness in my chest and belly that won't let up. I have been in flight mode so long. I am trying to face things; it is really uncomfortable.

What am I doing? What is my purpose?

I am trying so hard to figure that out. I know I just need to relax and flow, but it is really, really difficult.

So many people I know are dealing with difficulty and hardship; I try to see myself as fortunate.

I found a place to live, at least temporarily. This is not going to work in the long term.

I need a job, a way to make a living. I have put in so many applications.

Breathe, breathe, trust, trust; keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hope.

I am here to rebuild relationships, to stay open and communicate. That's my mantra.

Everything else will follow.

Right?

I sure hope so.

Namaste' ya'll.

Re-entry

"When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a clear blue sky..."

You know you are back in Texas when the name of the yoga class is "Yoga for Y'all." I felt right at home this morning driving down 290 in the Hill Country around Dripping Springs, thinking, "Yes, this is where I belong."

I felt like I could breathe easier even when I first landed last Monday morning.

It was an arduous trip from Eureka to Austin. I had to take a bus from Eureka to San Francisco, a train to the airport, a plane to Austin, then a bus to near Buda, and finally a taxi the rest of the way to end up on Jim and Valerie's porch. The whole thing took a total of 24 hours; I was exhausted, but so glad to be back.

For the last week, I was working Production Crew at Old Settler's Music Festival. What a great bunch of people. They made me feel like family. We worked hard and listened to lots of great music under the trees of Driftwood. Posh camping in Jim and Valerie's trailer and group meals around the fire. I felt embraced by the atmosphere and the people; I couldn't have asked for a better landing. Reminded me how important those things are to me. I had worried that I kept saying I wanted to go home but didn't have a home to go to. I needn't have worried; home is here, among friends and family. That's different from a house.

Now, I am in Dripping Springs with my cousins, and I couldn't be happier to be here.

I've been applying for jobs and looking for places to live. The anxiety is abetting. Things are starting to flow easier. I have confidence that "what will be, will be." I don't need to control it, but I do need to put forth the energy to receive.

I've been worrying that I don't really know what I want. How can I manifest the life I want when I don't know what that is? I'm learning to be patient. It will come. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. If I find I am going in the wrong direction, all I have to do is change course.

I'm visiting friends, people I love here and then heading down to the Houston/Galveston on Monday for the people I love there.



N'amaste' ya'll.

From the Redwood forests...

I left Eureka, CA this morning, taking a bus down Hwy 101 to San Francisco.

That’s quite a cultural as well as a geographical leap, so forgive me if I have a bit of a lag. Giant redwoods and craggy rock formations of the wild Pacific north coast gave way to wineries, wider roads, and way more cars as we approached the Bay area.

In Eureka, people perpetually look like they just got out of bed and layered on whatever was laying on the floor. More men are bearded and people wear their hair longer. There is a reason for that. The days start chilly or just down-right cold, and they can warm up or re-chill at a moment’s notice. People don’t shower every day, because it is just too darn cold. Besides, they don’t want to waste water. There’s a drought on, you know. People up there are very aware of the environment because they can see it. Right there. It’s visceral. There is not a blanket between them and the natural world. When you see the ocean, mountains, and trees every day, you don’t forget they are there and need protection.

 The bus drive down reminded me of how stunningly beautiful the natural world can be. I sat in the front seat and just admired the scenery as we drove. I get carsick, so I can’t read or look away. I had hours to just be with the passing view. There are few towns out there with wide open spaces between that are filled with trees, rivers, and rocks. The road mostly follows the rivers. One can easily imagine what it was like before people started building stuff.

That’s much more difficult to see in a highly urban area like San Francisco.

After we crossed the bay, the road was full of cars and the scenery was much more consumed with man-made objects. On the walk from the bus terminal, downtown buildings reached for the sky instead of the giant redwoods I hiked through just yesterday. As I watched out the BART window on my way to the airport, I saw the crowded streets of San Francisco. Prime real estate, the houses are lined up in row upon row with no space between.

People here are different too. Cleaner. Stylishly dressed. Urban.

I’m not saying one is better than the other. Just different.

Tomorrow, I will be in Austin, Texas. That will be different, too.

I'm glad I have had a chance to see how other people live and experience their environment. It's changed me, changed the way I look at life. 

Namaste’ ya’ll.